We don't spank little girls

There's a story my mother likes to tell about a spanking I received when I was little.  We didn't spank in my house and I knew it, but on this day I had done something, something neither of us remembers, but something that warranted a spanking. I had seen my cousins and friends be spanked, so I knew what it was, but I also knew my parents didn't do it.

What ever I had done, my mother decided it was time for a spanking and had me stand against the wall.  I don't remember most of this, but I can guess at the emotions I was feeling.  It probably started with happiness, as I was a happy child.  Then I would have moved onto confusion, not understanding what was about to happen.  Finally, I would have settled on fear.

As I stood there, my face turned to the wall, not knowing what to expect and afraid, mother smacked me.  I'm sure it didn't hurt, but that didn't matter.  I turned around, with tears running down my face, slid down the wall, and said 'We don't spank little girls.'  As I'm sure you can imagine, this broke my mother's heart.  She cried, I cried, I'm sure she apologized, and she never spanked me again.

Now, before you get the wrong idea, my mother doesn't like to tell this story as a joke or to embarrass me, as some parents tell stories of 'whippings' they dealt.  Instead, she tells this story to explain her reasoning behind not believing in spanking.

So what is this post really about?  It's about spanking and why we don't do it.  My mother never could have guessed that would be my reaction, but it was.  I never want my child to look at me like that or be afraid of me and that is what happens.  Rarely do parents spank with the intent to abuse.  It is usually done because it is seen as an acceptable form of punishment.

Many parents say, 'I was spanked and I turned out fine.' Maybe this is true, but ask yourself this: Do you want your children to just be fine?  I would rather my child be excellent, be happy, be everything in life that they can be and that they want to be.  This is what I am striving for in my family and spanking won't get us there.

Considering current statistics, 100% of inmates convicted of a violent crime were spanked.  Does that mean that everyone who is spanked will become a violent offender?  No, of course not, but remember that violence begets violence.  What do you want to see in the world?  Personally, I want to see peace and love and happiness.  To do my part, I will begin at home.  I will raise my child with love and respect, not fear and threats.  I will raise my child to know that she is loved, unconditionally, and nothing she will ever do will cause me to lash out and hurt her intentionally.  I'm sure we will both make mistakes in this journey, but we will acknowledge them and move on, constantly learning and striving to do better.  We will continue to learn on the way because, as Maya Angelou said, when we know better, we do better.

The night I found out

How did I react when I found out I was pregnant?  Probably not the way you would think.  I cried.  Not because I was overwhelmed with joy or I was relieved, but because I was terrified.  The pregnancy was planned, that wasn't the issue, even though it happened a little sooner than we thought.  I was terrified because I realized that I was to be in charge of an entire person.  From that moment on, my life was not my own.  Every decision I made would now effect someone other than me and I could never forget that.

I took the test after having a few glasses of wine.  I had ignored the fact that I was late with the excuse that it was my second period in 9 years, surely I wouldn't be regular, but I knew.  I knew before I took that test and I needed a little liquid courage to confirm it.  I called a very dear friend and told her I was late and let her do what I knew she would do, talk me into taking a test.  I refused at first, saying that if I took the test while I had been drinking, that made me a bad mother.  I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I was scared.

So I took the test.  I confirmed what I already knew and I talked it through with my friend.  After several hours, I was still feeling terrified so I called another friend.  By this point, I was almost hysterical and cried and ranted about the fact that now I was responsible for this tiny human and what if I messed up.  She assured me I wouldn't, I would do a great job, but I wasn't convinced.

I had written the fiance (the boyfriend at the time) and told him to call me as soon as possible.  He works off shore and was on the rig, so I didn't know how long it would take, but he called within an hour.  I told him and he was excited.  I seemed to be the only one who understood how truly scary this was.

I know now that my friends had gone through similar feelings and because of this, understood and could assure me that all would be fine.  I still have my doubts and wonder if I'm doing something wrong, but everyday is better.  Everyday Bug smiles up at me and I am assured that I am doing the right things.  Have I made mistakes?  Definitely, and I will probably make more.  I am not striving for perfection, I am only trying to be better today than I was yesterday.  I will make mistakes, I will do things wrong, I will probably cry, but I will continue to be better, to do better.  Not just for my child, but for me.

Life in Wonderland: An Introduction

I decided when Alice was 6 months old, that I would start a blog.  Now she is 8 1/2 months old and I am just now getting around to my first post.  That is a pretty good indication of how life has changed after having her.  In the past, if I wanted to start a blog, I did.  I had no limitations on my time, no real obligations, nothing stopping me from doing what ever I wanted, when ever I wanted.  Now, she is my obligation, my limitation, the center of my days and my life.  Everything I do, I do for her and because of her.  It is a strange adjustment, but I think we are handling it well.

We parent peacefully, we respond to her cries, we cuddle her, we love her, we trust her when she says something is wrong.  When we first brought her home from the hospital, I remember thinking that I would be sitting on my couch, holding her, for the rest of my life.  I never got irritated with her, or frustrated with her, but it felt like there was no end in sight.  I did get frustrated with myself for not being able to get her to stay asleep when I had to put her down, or any number of other things.  I was sleep deprived, my body was torn apart, and I had a tiny human relying on my to make her world a safe and perfect place.  It was very overwhelming.

Now, that time is a distant memory.  Now, I am typing a blog post while she happily plays with her toys and babbles.  I have watched her grow and change over these eight months and I have seen peaceful, gentle parenting work.  She rarely cries, she smiles and laughs constantly, she is happy and secure.  Our parenting decisions prove to be the right ones everyday.

With any luck, I will continue this blog and not lose interest or get too busy.  My intentions are good, but life with a child can be unpredictable, so I make no promises other than that I will try.  For now, I am going to play with my little Bug.