The night I found out

How did I react when I found out I was pregnant?  Probably not the way you would think.  I cried.  Not because I was overwhelmed with joy or I was relieved, but because I was terrified.  The pregnancy was planned, that wasn't the issue, even though it happened a little sooner than we thought.  I was terrified because I realized that I was to be in charge of an entire person.  From that moment on, my life was not my own.  Every decision I made would now effect someone other than me and I could never forget that.

I took the test after having a few glasses of wine.  I had ignored the fact that I was late with the excuse that it was my second period in 9 years, surely I wouldn't be regular, but I knew.  I knew before I took that test and I needed a little liquid courage to confirm it.  I called a very dear friend and told her I was late and let her do what I knew she would do, talk me into taking a test.  I refused at first, saying that if I took the test while I had been drinking, that made me a bad mother.  I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I was scared.

So I took the test.  I confirmed what I already knew and I talked it through with my friend.  After several hours, I was still feeling terrified so I called another friend.  By this point, I was almost hysterical and cried and ranted about the fact that now I was responsible for this tiny human and what if I messed up.  She assured me I wouldn't, I would do a great job, but I wasn't convinced.

I had written the fiance (the boyfriend at the time) and told him to call me as soon as possible.  He works off shore and was on the rig, so I didn't know how long it would take, but he called within an hour.  I told him and he was excited.  I seemed to be the only one who understood how truly scary this was.

I know now that my friends had gone through similar feelings and because of this, understood and could assure me that all would be fine.  I still have my doubts and wonder if I'm doing something wrong, but everyday is better.  Everyday Bug smiles up at me and I am assured that I am doing the right things.  Have I made mistakes?  Definitely, and I will probably make more.  I am not striving for perfection, I am only trying to be better today than I was yesterday.  I will make mistakes, I will do things wrong, I will probably cry, but I will continue to be better, to do better.  Not just for my child, but for me.