You're too exposed!

Yesterday my mother took me out for lunch for my birthday.  Now, my birthday was January 4th, so it was a little late, but that's ok.  A friend came with us and, of course, I had Bug.  We went to a Mexican restaurant in town and most of the lunch was very pleasant.  We chatted, we ate, Bug sat in a high chair and played for the very first time.  Then, while we were getting ready to leave, there was an incident.

Our friend excused herself and Bug started to reach for me and fuss.  I was wearing a tank top with a long sleeve button up over it and open.  I picked up Bug and got settled to feed her.  Wearing a tank top, it was easier to take my breast out from the top rather than lift up my shirt from the bottom.  Because of this, most of my chest was bare.

As I am siting there, feeding my child and minding my own business, my mother says, 'You are really too exposed like that.'  Huh???  Up to this point, she has been very supportive of my breastfeeding Bug, I was breastfed myself until I was two.  I could not believe what I was hearing.  Too exposed???  Who says something like that to a woman who is feeding her child?

I responded as politely as I could.  The exchange went like this:

Her:  You are really too exposed like that.
Me: No, I'm not.  The baby is covering everything.
Her: Yes, you are.  Your chest is exposed.
Me:  I am feeding my child, as is my right.  I am not flashing people.
Her:  You don't have to get defensive.
Me:  I think I do, I have a right to feed my child anywhere I happen to be.
Her:  Yes, and I have a right to express my opinion.
Me:  No, you don't.  Not when it violates my right and my child's right to eat.
Her:  Yes, I do.

At this point Bug finished eating and was fussing to sit up, then our friend came back and the conversation was finished.  I was fuming and chatting with our friend, but I wasn't going to bring it up again.  As we were leaving, my mother apologized and said she shouldn't have said anything.  I told her, 'no, you shouldn't have, but thank you for apologizing.'

I am still pretty pissed about this and let me explain why.  Barring the fact that family should be the most supportive of our parenting decisions, even though they rarely are, and the fact that as someone who breastfed her child, my mother should be supportive, this interaction could have done far more damage.  I am a very strong willed person, so one little comment is not going to deter my from breastfeeding, but what if I wasn't?  What if I had been getting dirty looks every time I was out and had to feed my child?  Might this one comment from someone who should support me 100% pushed me to give up something that is very important to my child's health, as well as my health?  It very well could have.  One comment could have destroyed the breastfeed relationship between me and my child because who wants to be ridiculed?  Certainly not me.

Fortunately, I am going to breastfeed no matter what anyone says, family or not, but I might not have been the only person harmed by this interaction.  What if a young mother or mother-to-be had been sitting at the next table?  Someone who was undecided on breastfeeding, or who had just started and was struggling.  Maybe that person heard what my mother said and thought, 'If she doesn't even have the support of her mother, is it worth it?  Why should I even try if that's how people will treat me?'

Granted, this probably didn't happen, but it could have.  Do we ever think of how our words effect others?  Not the people we are talking to, but the people who may overhear.  What if one overheard sentence could be the deciding point for some important decision someone is making?  What if that one thing we said effected someone we would never meet in a very large and significant way?  Shouldn't that alone make us stop and think before we speak?

One or more breastfeeding relationships could have been destroyed by my mother's unsupportive and discriminatory comment.  Hopefully, no one was greatly effected by her statements.  As for me and Bug, we are still going strong and breastfeeding on demand, no matter where we are.  We support breastfeeding and in order to support breastfeeding, there can be no stipulations.  If you say, I support breastfeeding, but...than you don't support it.  Keep that in mind the next time you talk to a mother or see a mother breastfeeding her child.  Instead of dirty looks and nasty comments, make eye contact and smile.  You never know how beat down that mother may be feeling, how on the verge of giving up she may be.  Just like your negative words or looks can impact a stranger, so can words of encouragement and smiles.  We must support our breastfeeding mothers 100%.

We don't spank little girls

There's a story my mother likes to tell about a spanking I received when I was little.  We didn't spank in my house and I knew it, but on this day I had done something, something neither of us remembers, but something that warranted a spanking. I had seen my cousins and friends be spanked, so I knew what it was, but I also knew my parents didn't do it.

What ever I had done, my mother decided it was time for a spanking and had me stand against the wall.  I don't remember most of this, but I can guess at the emotions I was feeling.  It probably started with happiness, as I was a happy child.  Then I would have moved onto confusion, not understanding what was about to happen.  Finally, I would have settled on fear.

As I stood there, my face turned to the wall, not knowing what to expect and afraid, mother smacked me.  I'm sure it didn't hurt, but that didn't matter.  I turned around, with tears running down my face, slid down the wall, and said 'We don't spank little girls.'  As I'm sure you can imagine, this broke my mother's heart.  She cried, I cried, I'm sure she apologized, and she never spanked me again.

Now, before you get the wrong idea, my mother doesn't like to tell this story as a joke or to embarrass me, as some parents tell stories of 'whippings' they dealt.  Instead, she tells this story to explain her reasoning behind not believing in spanking.

So what is this post really about?  It's about spanking and why we don't do it.  My mother never could have guessed that would be my reaction, but it was.  I never want my child to look at me like that or be afraid of me and that is what happens.  Rarely do parents spank with the intent to abuse.  It is usually done because it is seen as an acceptable form of punishment.

Many parents say, 'I was spanked and I turned out fine.' Maybe this is true, but ask yourself this: Do you want your children to just be fine?  I would rather my child be excellent, be happy, be everything in life that they can be and that they want to be.  This is what I am striving for in my family and spanking won't get us there.

Considering current statistics, 100% of inmates convicted of a violent crime were spanked.  Does that mean that everyone who is spanked will become a violent offender?  No, of course not, but remember that violence begets violence.  What do you want to see in the world?  Personally, I want to see peace and love and happiness.  To do my part, I will begin at home.  I will raise my child with love and respect, not fear and threats.  I will raise my child to know that she is loved, unconditionally, and nothing she will ever do will cause me to lash out and hurt her intentionally.  I'm sure we will both make mistakes in this journey, but we will acknowledge them and move on, constantly learning and striving to do better.  We will continue to learn on the way because, as Maya Angelou said, when we know better, we do better.

The night I found out

How did I react when I found out I was pregnant?  Probably not the way you would think.  I cried.  Not because I was overwhelmed with joy or I was relieved, but because I was terrified.  The pregnancy was planned, that wasn't the issue, even though it happened a little sooner than we thought.  I was terrified because I realized that I was to be in charge of an entire person.  From that moment on, my life was not my own.  Every decision I made would now effect someone other than me and I could never forget that.

I took the test after having a few glasses of wine.  I had ignored the fact that I was late with the excuse that it was my second period in 9 years, surely I wouldn't be regular, but I knew.  I knew before I took that test and I needed a little liquid courage to confirm it.  I called a very dear friend and told her I was late and let her do what I knew she would do, talk me into taking a test.  I refused at first, saying that if I took the test while I had been drinking, that made me a bad mother.  I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I was scared.

So I took the test.  I confirmed what I already knew and I talked it through with my friend.  After several hours, I was still feeling terrified so I called another friend.  By this point, I was almost hysterical and cried and ranted about the fact that now I was responsible for this tiny human and what if I messed up.  She assured me I wouldn't, I would do a great job, but I wasn't convinced.

I had written the fiance (the boyfriend at the time) and told him to call me as soon as possible.  He works off shore and was on the rig, so I didn't know how long it would take, but he called within an hour.  I told him and he was excited.  I seemed to be the only one who understood how truly scary this was.

I know now that my friends had gone through similar feelings and because of this, understood and could assure me that all would be fine.  I still have my doubts and wonder if I'm doing something wrong, but everyday is better.  Everyday Bug smiles up at me and I am assured that I am doing the right things.  Have I made mistakes?  Definitely, and I will probably make more.  I am not striving for perfection, I am only trying to be better today than I was yesterday.  I will make mistakes, I will do things wrong, I will probably cry, but I will continue to be better, to do better.  Not just for my child, but for me.